I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
