Screwed.edu
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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