we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
