my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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