He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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