Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
