I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
