How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
