Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
