its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
