I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize