I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
