It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
