I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
