I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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