i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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