Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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