I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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