I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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