she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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