U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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