He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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