Taylor Swift is so right about you.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
