it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Randomize
