I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
