My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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