haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
