Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
