Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
