it was like his penis was on wheels.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
