I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
