I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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