It's Friday. Sex?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
