Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
