are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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