1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
