Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
