i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
