1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
