have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize