there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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