just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
