I cockslap morals
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
