he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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