mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Randomize
