Cold hands, warm shart.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
