Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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