I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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