Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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