so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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