apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
