New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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