If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You're like the curious george of whores
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
