If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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