also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
