Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
