I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
