she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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