I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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