I hate your face
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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