I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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