I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize