My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
