i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
There's always time for handjobs
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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