I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
